Hi
there. Remember me? It’s been nine years since the day I lost the last glimpse
of innocence my childhood nurtured about love, relationships, honesty and
people. I thought about you today – actually, it’s kind of incredible how often
I think about you even after all these years; maybe once a month. Don’t get me
wrong, I don’t still have feelings for you. And yet it’s weird to think you’ve
had, well, still have such a negative impact in my life when you don’t know much
about me, except which English school I went to and my name – if that. You don’t know what I am majoring at in
college, what my favorite color is, what was the name of the dog I had as a
child, when I got my driver’s license, what my dreams are, my parent’s name.
Doesn’t it seem right that the only person who made me feel actual hate should
know a little more about my life?
What
I think about the most, when the memory of you pops into my head, is that I
never got the chance to tell you how I felt after what you did. I was too in shock
to say something when the whole thing happened and, when I wrote you that
letter, you tore it into pieces. I also think about how I never fully
understood your reasons. I know the basic story: young horny bastard tries to
get advantage of younger girl in love by lying to her. But every story has
specific details from both sides; I just wish I had been able to hear what you
would say in your defense or how you would tell this same story.
Can
you see there is an entire thought process that happens when I remember you?
The next step is when, after all that I described above, I think about closure:
if and why it is important for us to truly move on and what really defines
it. As I said, I was never able to tell
you everything I wanted to, anything I want to. I can still feel it stuck in my
throat. And I wonder: what if I never get to? Does that mean that this will
haunt me forever? Am I doomed to carry this trauma with me for life? I am not
even sure if it affects how I see myself or how I act when in love and in a
relationship - and if it does, I am not sure how. Is what happened with you the
reason why I always seem to be attracted by those who eventually will abandon
me? Is it the reason I always think it’s my fault when that happens? Is this
why I feel undeserving of having a healthy balanced relationship? For the sake
of argument let’s say it is. Let’s say that’s why things keeping going wrong in
that area of my life. Let’s say that’s why I keep collecting bad love stories
without ever getting closure with any of them. Is it possible for me to fix
this? Closure can mean so many different things for different people. Some give
away whatever last piece of souvenir they have from what happened, some even
throw it out or burn it. Some people get to yell at the one who was involved and then leave. Some send a letter or an email that the other person actually ends up
reading and maybe even responding. Some even get closure in a more shallow way;
by doing everything they can to show the other person that they are better off
without them. Well, I have no souvenir
to give, throw or burn away, I have no way of yelling at you, we already know
what was the destiny of my letter and I don’t believe the last example would
satisfy me even if I had a way to try it. Doesn’t it sound frustrating? How am
I ever going to get my closure? Maybe some of us never get closure. I guess
some people would tell me to just let go and even to forgive you. Well if it is
that easy then tell me how. I am more open to suggestions than I’ve ever been
before.
I’ve
always been found of philosophical theories that say we are in control of our
own happiness, despite of any obstacles that may be thrown on our way. But as
so many things in life I guess that’s easier said than done. How do I forgive
he who didn’t ask for forgiveness? How do I accept your reasons when I don’t
know what they were? How do I keep you from having that much control over my
life when you are not even aware of it? If you came this far expecting me to
answer anything I am sorry to tell you that - like in life- this is not about
answers, but about accepting some hard questions that may never be solved.
